


10 Things Spider-Man Can't Live Without | GQ

by Jenniboo311



Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [15]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Aged-Up Peter Parker, Gen, Humor, Internet, Interviews, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Spider-Man: Far From Home Compliant, Secret Identity, Social Media, YouTube, videos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27882218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenniboo311/pseuds/Jenniboo311
Summary: "Essential: of the utmost importance; basic, indispensable, necessary," the masked vigilante reads from his shiny Stark phone, sitting at a grey plastic table in front of a blue backdrop. "That's what we're talking about today." He looks at the camera and his eye lenses squint with the force of his welcoming smile, hidden beneath the fabric of his mask."Hi, I'm Spider-Man, and these are my essentials."
Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1484537
Comments: 32
Kudos: 285
Collections: Peter Parker's Tales, ellie marvel fics - read





	10 Things Spider-Man Can't Live Without | GQ

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, my 20th work! A couple years ago I never would have thought I'd write anything, much less 20 fics! Thanks to everyone who reads these and leaves kudos and comments. I read every single one and it's the reason I keep creating. Hugs and cookies to you all. Xo
> 
> \---
> 
> While Peter's age is never specified, I consider him aged up to probably his early twenties, and is a mix of MCU-Spidey and PS4-Spidey. Endgame and Far From Home didn't happen, and Civil War magically ended with everyone as friends again.

"Essential: of the utmost importance; basic, indispensable, necessary," the masked vigilante reads from his shiny Stark phone, sitting at a grey plastic table in front of a blue backdrop. "That's what we're talking about today." He looks at the camera and his eye lenses squint with the force of his welcoming smile, hidden beneath the fabric of his mask.

"Hi, I'm Spider-Man, and these are my essentials."

The title screen that appears shows the text "My Essentials," with, "Spider-Man" written underneath, before cutting back to the hero. "Keep in mind that these are Spider-Man's essentials, and Spider-Man's essentials are not necessarily the same as civilian Spidey's essentials. Let's get started." He rubs his hands together with relish.

"My absolute number one, can't live without, would have to be my mask," Spider-Man says in a voiceover, as the camera shows a close up of the mask in question as he sits quietly, staring straight ahead. It is a deep red, stretchy fabric with the recognizable black webbing and giant, black, winged eye lenses.

"The main reason this is my number one is because it keeps my identity a secret, and I keep my identity a secret to protect the people in my life that I care about," Spider-Man explains, putting a hand over his heart. "By default, my enemies become their enemies. Not all my friends and family are fellow heroes. Many of them are civilians, so it's important that I shield them from that side of my life and keep them as far from danger as I can. They didn't ask for this life, this was my choice, so it's my responsibility to keep both lives separate."

He lays his forearms on the table and clasps his gloved fingers together. "I've seen some stuff in the media, in particular from my number one fan, The Daily Bugle," he huffs a small sarcastic laugh, "that the reason I won't show my face is because I'm trying to avoid taking responsibility for my actions." He shrugs. "I'm not really sure what actions they're talking about exactly. The majority of my work is helping the neighborhood out in small ways like giving directions or lifting heavy groceries, in helping with search and rescue for missing people or those trapped in burning buildings, in performing citizen's arrest for a variety of violent offences. I'm not ashamed of what I do, nor do I believe in having zero accountability. You may not know who I am, but there are several who do, civilian and powered, and you'd better believe they'd all kick my ass in a second if I ever did anything out of line or went dark side. As they should." He nods decisively, showing absolute conviction.

"My second must have are my web shooters," the vigilante explains in voice over as the camera zooms in on two simple, sleek, black bracelets on the table next to a glass vial of a milky, white fluid.

"This is my multi tool. It's transportation and my weapon-replacement all in one." The video cuts back to him wearing the bracelets while poking at them. "I say weapon replacement because I don't consider them a weapon. They're a tool. I don't use them to harm, just subdue, therefore they're not a weapon, they're a weapon-replacement." He stops idly poking at the gadget and sighs. "And that was very deliberate. I'm an incredibly strong enhanced individual. If I'm not completely aware of what I'm doing at all times, I could seriously injure someone. So I use the webs to subdue when I can, and avoid actually laying my hands on people where possible. Have I punched people in the face? Absolutely. Do I enjoy it? I'd like to say no, but I'd be lying, so I'll be honest and say yes, but only when I slug the pedos." He lets a childish giggle escape.

"I made these, or rather their precursor, a few years ago when I first started. I had invented the web formula, a synthetic spider silk, and needed a gadget to extrude it. I was pretty young, and didn't have access to any of the resources and materials that I do now thanks to Tony Stark, so I guess it's pretty amazing I got as far as I did." He scratches the back of his neck in an embarrassed gesture. "I actually made my webs in chemistry class on the sly, so that's technically petty theft. I feel terribly guilty about that, but there was no way a kid could get access to chemicals like that without sending up red flags. Once I befriended Tony, he knew I felt guilty about it so a couple years ago, as a gift to me, he donated a pile of money to the school STEM programs. To keep any suspicion off my high school in particular, he did the same to several schools. So, several schools got surprise funding and that was because of me." He laughs. "Largely because Tony is a generous guy, and also largely because he didn't want to hear me whine about feeling guilty anymore. So there's that." He laughs again. "The web shooters I made by dumpster diving and salvaging parts from old microwaves and computers, so no harm done. They're a bit more sophisticated now, since I have lab access, but they work essentially the same way." He mimics shooting a web at the camera, folding his middle and ring fingers down to press against his palm.

"My third essential is my suit," he narrates in voice over, as the video cuts to a previously filmed rotating shot of the hero standing still in a heroic pose with his hands on his hips.

"That's not to say that I can't do what I do without it," the arachnid clarifies, now sitting back at the table fidgeting with his fingers. "A lot of people think that because Iron Man is a normal guy who performs amazing feats with his suit, that the same applies to me. The truth is, that I don't technically need the suit at all. All my special abilities come from me, not the suit." He holds his palm up and stretches his fingers out. "The stickiness is all me, and if I took this glove off, which I actually can't right now without getting naked because it's all one piece, I'd still be able to climb walls and stick to ceilings."

He drags his palms lovingly over the suit material stretched across his chest. "It's not necessary, but that doesn't mean it's not still essential to what I do. There are a lot of features implemented that helps me perform better, and keep me safer. For instance, to keep me safer, there is a parachute installed for if my web shooters are damaged or depleted, or I am for some other reason unable to catch myself if I am falling from a great height. It will wait for my voice command to deploy since I do a lot of risky maneuvers on the reg' and it would be difficult for the AI to tell if I'm in trouble or just an idiot. It also deploys automatically if I am unconscious and falling from high altitude. When I try to argue that all this effort isn't necessary, Tony likes to remind me of the time I ended up in the Hudson and almost drowned, so point to Iron Man I guess." He laughs, shrugging nonchalantly as though talking about his near death experience was on par with ordering a pizza.

"I've also got a heater and a coolant system to help regulate my temperature. A full body condom can get rough in the dead of summer," he jokes, prompting surprised laughter from the crew, "As well as being pretty nippy in winter or even just swinging at high altitudes in general. It's waterproof, fire resistant but not fireproof, and it even provides some protection in the form of light armor. There are bulletproof bracers on my forearms in case I need to deflect or brace against something heavy or sharp," he says, holding up his arms and patting the forearms in question, "And I have a bullet resistant material over my torso to protect my vital organs. It's not Kevlar, though, since that would be too bulky. I still have to be careful because it's not bulletproof, just resistant, but it's certainly better than nothing!" He pats his chest over his heart.

"Next, but certainly not last, is my girl, Karen!"

The camera cuts to show a clip from one of the web-slinger's recent YouTube videos where he talked about the features of his suit and showed a patrol from his own point of view. The clip focuses on the HUD displayed in Spidey's view.

"Karen is my own personal AI, much like FRIDAY is Tony's. Tony made her for me and she helps me out in a lot of different ways. She is with me at all times, whether I'm in suit or out of suit. If I'm Spider-Man, she monitors my vitals, my web fluid, wind speed, the weather, and crime reports. She handles communications, reminds me to eat, and laughs at my jokes because nobody else does." He pouts sadly and hangs his head jokingly.

"If I'm out of suit and acting as a civilian, she's in my labs at the Avengers compound and Stark Tower, and also my electronics like my smart watch and cellphone. She's there if I need her, but will keep to herself unless prompted or it's an emergency in order to keep a low profile. If I was on a crowded subway, for instance, and she started talking from my watch, people would recognize her pretty quick I think, especially since I've introduced her on YouTube several times now. I could try to pass her off as Siri or something but honestly she'd be so offended it wouldn't be worth it and I'd never hear the end of it."

"Of course I'd be offended being compared to such a simpleton. If that's all I am, perhaps you could ask Siri to be your companion instead and see how far you get," the cool female voice of Karen pipes in through an invisible external speaker in Spider-Man's suit, sounding haughty.

Spider-Man sighs and his shoulders slump. "I know Karen, you're the best and I'm not worthy."

"I thought so."

"Tony says it's my own fault she's so sassy because she learned it from me and she's a learning AI," he says tiredly, propping his elbow on the table and resting his head in his palm. "But I think he programmed her that way on purpose so that I'd get a taste of what I put him through all the time. He denies it but I've seen him smirk when I bring it up." He shakes his head in exasperation.

"Number five," he says rather hesitantly, awkwardly clearing his throat, "protective cup and athletic supporter."

The camera cuts to show a generic white, plastic protective cup and a pair of tight, black spandex shorts that go to about mid thigh lying on the table. They look brand new, as though they were purchased for the interview in particular.

"I'm not showing you mine, because that would be weird and also because I'm currently wearing it already. You guys can get your own cup to show the viewers." He laughs, talking to the crew before switching his focus back to the camera. "I'm really glad I'm sitting behind a table right now. Be honest, how many of you would be staring at my crotch in curiosity right now otherwise?" He narrows his eye lenses and points at the camera accusingly.

"In all seriousness, it's a vital item, for two reasons." He holds up his pointer finger. "One, is that when you get into the kinds of fights I do, nothing is honorable. The person you are fighting is not going to keep it above the belt like they would if you were fighting in a tournament or something. These people are doing things outside the law. They're trying to keep from getting caught and going to jail, and they don't have many, if any, hang-ups. Genitals are a weak spot, and most people will exploit it if they can. Did I learn that the hard way and get flattened by getting a kick to the nards? Yes. Yes I did." He nods painfully.

"Number two," he says, holding up another finger, "how do I say this delicately?" He drops the hand holding up the fingers and uses it to drag a hand across his mouth. "Errr, okay. So, spandex is unforgiving. It is clingy, as I'm sure you've noticed. And actually it's not even spandex, but that's another conversation so I just call it spandex because that's easier." He gestures absentmindedly with his hands as he starts awkwardly talking a mile a minute. "If I started explaining about how it's a carbon nano-weave that utilizes various weave patterns and interwoven striations you wouldn't know what the heck I was talking about, kinda like the glazed over, fake interested look Pepper gets when me and Tony correct her when she calls it spandex..."

He giggles uncomfortably once he realizes he's babbling and gets back on track. "Right, so the point is, it leaves nothing to the imagination and I have male genitalia. Are you picking up what I'm throwing down here?" He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly and sighs. "I'm saying that in order to preserve a bit of modesty," he waves his hand around as though to ask, 'do you get it yet?', "the cup is necessary. It smooths out the lines, if you will. I prefer the compression shorts to the jockstrap, they're comfortable and double as underwear. There's a pouch in the front that you slip the cup into and away you go. Snug as a bug in a rug! Or I guess you could say snug as a-" he coughs, deciding on not making a dick joke. "Never mind. Though let me just clarify, this does not give you permission to punch me in the goods. It still hurts. Please don't."

The video cuts to pre-recorded footage of a small black flip phone on the table. It looks cheap, battered, and has the "LG" logo on the front near the bottom. Also notable are the three Hello Kitty stickers plastered on its surface, and, worryingly, the suspicious rust colored substance in the seams of the phone that managed to avoid cleaning thus far.

"Is that blood?" A horrified crew member quietly wheezes out from behind the camera.

"Next up, we've got my burner phone." He slips the phone in question out from a hidden pouch at his waist and he plays with it, idly flipping it open and closed. "It sounds very double-oh-seven but burner phones are legit a thing. I don't want to conduct Spidey business on my personal phone. For one thing, phones can be stolen and hacked, yes, even Stark phones, and I wouldn't want someone to get into my personal phone and see incriminating texts and contacts. Also, sometimes I have to make calls or give out my number, and I can't exactly use my actual number for that."

He picks at one of the stickers but realizes after a moment that he's not making any progress since his nail is hidden under a glove and gives up. "This phone is pretty basic, just a crappy, cheap one I picked up. No point in investing much money in it when I could toss it at any time. Pay as you go, no contracts or anything like that. It's got Bluetooth so Karen can connect and use it to make calls, and that's really it. The stickers came from Deadpool, I didn't really get a say in that. He stuck them on there. He's a fan of Hello Kitty, apparently." He snorts and shakes his head looking unsurprised. "Weirdo. Anyway eventually someone gets hold of my number that shouldn't and it leaks to the public and I get bombarded so I just get Karen to fry it and I toss it and get a new one." He slips the phone back into its pouch.

"Next we have my go bag," Spidey says in voiceover as the video displays a simple, black Jansport backpack on the table, slightly protruding due to the items stuffed inside.

"Sometimes while in suit I need to change back into civvies quickly but don't have time to make it all the way home, so I pack spare outfits in these backpacks and duffel bags and stash them in several locations around my patrol route."

He unzips the bag and reaches in, rustling around. "I have no idea what's in this one, I grabbed it on my way here. Let's see, we'll all be surprised together."

His eye lenses narrow as he laughs lightly and yanks out a pair of blue jeans. "Alright, solid start. Pants. Can't walk around in public without pants. Well, I mean, I can, but that wouldn't go over well." He drops it on the table and reaches in blindly for the next item.

"And we have...a sock." The vigilante anticlimactically holds up the light grey sock with dark grey on the toe cap and heel. "Fun fact, I don't wear socks in the suit. The thin boots are built in and my sticking ability works better with less layers so I go barefoot inside the suit. I have to make sure to remember socks when changing back out of the suit or else I'm stuck in sneakers or dress shoes without socks and that's the absolute worst. Have you ever had to do that? Ten out of ten, do not like." He brings it to his nose and horrifyingly gives a quick sniff. "Clean. Ish." It joins the pants on the table.

"This is kinda like a boring version of Christmas," Spidey laughs, pulling out a well worn, brown leather belt. He doubles it over and pulls it taught, making it SNAP loudly. The mask stretches over his grin, as though he knows the kind of thirsty comments that will generate on the video. He winks.

"Ooh, snacks!" The hero enthuses, pulling out a handful of protein bars and small bags of trail mix. "Being Spidey takes a lot of energy. If I don't keep up with caloric intake I'm in trouble, so I try to keep food on me at all times. And hey, same with water." He pulls out two full bottles of water. "Stay hydrated, friends!"

He rustles through the bag once more and yanks out a plain black t-shirt and hoodie. The second sock comes with it and drops to the floor, prompting the arachnid to duck down to retrieve it. "Alright," he says, popping back up and showing the camera the clothes before adding it to the pile. "We've got the second sock and a shirt and hoodie. It's important that it's a dark color, because often if I have to use a go bag I'm in a rush, so I'll have to leave the suit on underneath my clothes. If you need further explanation, try hiding a vivid red and blue suit under a white t-shirt. That should clear things up." He laughs. "I can't take it off and store it in the bag, it's too valuable. It wasn't that bad when my suit was sweatpants and a hoodie, but now it's valued at about sixteen and a half, seventeen million dollars. KAREN is probably around twenty five million, I think. Give or take." He holds his hand out and makes a seesaw motion.

"Occasionally people find the bags and steal them. Please don't! If you come across one, please leave it alone. I try to hide them fairly well and put them out of reach but sometimes people can be persistent. I'm getting tired of replacing bags and my wardrobe. I try not to think too hard on what you people could be doing with my clothes. It weirds me out."

The arachnid pulls out a small wad of black cloth next. He straightens it out to reveal that it's a bandana. "I figured a happy compromise to storing extra suits in the bags is to store a plain bandana. If I'm ever caught out without my suit for some reason but I need to go be Spidey, I can track down my closest go bag and cover my face with this. It's not valuable so it's not a big deal if it's stolen. Feels a bit bank robber chic but there you have it.

"I always have my web shooters on, so there's no worries about those. Can't keep those in here either. I do, however, have spare web fluid." He rustles around for the items in question and they clink together as he extracts them and shows the camera the two spare vials filled with a white substance. "I don't like the idea of anyone getting their hands on my equipment, but if anyone tries to replicate it from this sample I think they'll have a hard time. You see, in all the vials of my web fluid, there's a tiny capsule in the bottom." He holds up one vial in demonstration and points at the bottom as he jiggles it. "When I eject a cartridge to reload, I don't always have time to put it aside to refill and reuse, so I have to discard it. Fluid exposed to the air decays after a couple hours but the stuff in the vial lasts much longer and I don't like the idea of people getting their hands on that. So, when it disengages from my web shooters, the capsule releases a solvent and neutralizes whatever is in there. My go bags are chipped, so KAREN monitors those signals and if she detects that a bag has been tampered with or removed, she triggers the failsafe and the fluid is neutralized. So yes, I can indeed find you if you steal my junk, but it's just jeans and empty web vials and I'm very busy so it's not worth my time. Enjoy the free socks."

He pulls out the last item, a dented metal Iron Man lunch tin with a smudge on the clasp that looks like a bloody thumb print. "And this brings us to the next essential on my list, my first aid kit."

He pries it open, ignoring the blood, and shifts several empty bandage wrappers out of the way. "Looks like I dipped into this one a bit already." He pulls out some rolls of gauze and a bottle of rubbing alcohol with rusty smears down the side and concentrated at the cap. "These are important for treating cuts until my healing kicks in enough to take care of it. And for the really deep ones," he holds up a needle and thread, "Stitches. They suck. Especially doing them left-handed when you're a righty, but needs must and all that." He picks out a pair of tweezers next, "For digging out bullets." The hero holds up a pocket knife, "For when it starts to heal over the bullet. Also not awesome to experience." He throws everything back together and closes it with a snap.

"At the end of the day I usually have the luxury of receiving medical attention at the Avengers medbay, but that wasn't always the case and sometimes I don't have the luxury of time. So med kit it is."

A clip from one of Spider-Man's recent YouTube videos plays, showing him talking to the camera while standing in a laboratory behind a bench with beakers and chemicals and wearing a white lab coat over his suit.

"My next essential is my lab! Or I guess I should say labs, plural, because I have one in both Stark tower and the Avengers compound depending on where I am. The compound is a little far away so I usually only go there on weekends and the rest of the time I'm usually found in Stark tower since that's closer to where I live and patrol." He shifts in his chair to get more comfortable and absentmindedly scratches his ribs.

"My lab is super important to me because it allows me to work on my gadgets, repair my equipment, and synthesize my web fluid. When I was first starting out I had to do it all on the sly, making my gear in my bedroom and hiding it in the attic hatch above my closet, and making my webs in my high school chemistry class when nobody was looking. Yes, that's a dumb idea because I was working on experimental formulas among school children. I am aware. Please don't do that, kids. Not my finest moment." He facepalms and sighs before dropping his hand in his lap. "In my defense, I honestly knew what I was doing. If that redeems me at all. Can't undo the past." He shrugs helplessly.

"And finally," Spidey gushes in a voiceover as the video displays a luscious looking sandwich artfully displayed on crinkled brown paper with the cross section facing the camera to display the ingredients.

"A number five with pickles from Delmar's. The best sandwiches in Queens, hands down." He picks up one of the halves and caresses it lovingly and leans in close to inhale the aroma. His resulting moan is borderline obscene and the watching crew behind the camera titter with amusement.

"So here we've got a Cuban. If you haven't tried this, get it. Not from anywhere else, get it from Delmar's. Trust me on this. He's a great guy and deserves your business, but I'm not lying about being the best deli. Let me give you the rundown.

"First, we've got slow roasted pork, marinated in mojo," he pries open the sandwich to show off the interior. "We've got succulent, glazed ham that will make your mouth water and beg for more. And then we have just the right amount of Swiss cheese and a layer of thinly sliced dill pickles. Don't be a coward, get the pickles," he says sternly, pointing at the camera. "And if you don't like pickles, what are you even doing with your life?"

He gestures at the bread. "Lastly, we've got the bread. Cuban bread. Not a French roll, not sandwich bread," he wags his finger at the camera. "Cuban bread. It's toasted to golden perfection, brushed lightly with butter, smeared with yellow mustard inside, and pressed flat on a sandwich press. It melts the cheese, warms the meat through, and gives the bread a delightful crusty exterior and a warm, moist, chewy interior." He noisily kisses the tips of his fingers in a dramatic chef's kiss and huffs a lovesick sigh. "Hey, can I keep this?"

Not waiting for an answer, he rolls up the bottom of his mask to expose his mouth and nose and takes a giant bite, groaning with delight. "So good!" The hero's voice sounds slightly different without the modulator, but it is garbled enough through a monstrously full mouth that what he actually sounds like can't be determined. He chews, swallows, and goes in for another bite without pause, making yummy noises as though he hasn't seen a meal in days.

"Those are my essentials, thanks for watching!"

* * *

Comments

**Tableflipfortwo**

Was anyone else weirdly aroused listening to Spidey talk about the sandwich? Because that's how my day is going.

**ireallydowritelikeimrunningoutoftime**

A bloody phone and then a bloody first aid kit. I am concerned with the amount of blood that is not in this man's body.

**Mcufaninmydreams**

My friend found one of spidey's bags behind a dumpster once. This was years ago so it had one of his old, original masks stashed inside. His brother tried to convince him to sell it on eBay and make a fortune but it's the centerpiece of his spidey shrine. It's pretty neat, you can tell he handstitched it himself

**Rocnarok**

I'm sorry but not even Spiderman can convince me to eat pickles #nothanks

**Lolwut**

All in favor of Spidey walking around in public with no pants? My case rests, your honor. #losethepants

**DCJoKeRHS**

Considering he invented synthetic spider silk in high school I think "I knew what I was doing" is a bit of an understatement

**Mira**

I'm having visions of this sweet muffin digging out his own bullets and I can't. I just can't.

**Jennah**

100% would be staring at his crotch in fascination, he called it.

**BookTycoon**

I once saw a sock on eBay that claimed to be Spidey's and I dismissed it as crap but now I regret not bidding on it.

**KoOkOo_523**

I think I'd like to be friends with Spidey's AI

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

Don't try to play coy with me, baby boy. Admit it, you totally dig the Hello Kitty.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have read my other fics in this series you may notice I used the names of commenters as random users. If I have used your name and this bothers you, please let me know and I will happily change it.
> 
> If you liked my story, please consider dropping me a line to let me know you enjoyed yourself!


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